Film of the decade

If you ever get the opportunity to see Epic Movie, a smattering of arse gravy in a parodic style of quite a lot of recent films. Totally brainless and shite but entertaining in its own way. Some gratuitous nudity helped it along. Now one of the films it repeatedly has a pop at was The Da Vinci Code, which it pulled off to great effect. Now having sat through the genuine da vinci code, I realise that the pisstake version, written by two fart-joking, stoned african americans, with the combined intelligence of tree bark in the special class, is at least fifteen times as intellectually put together and thought out as that utter fucking pap that they managed to crimp off for the real film. I didn't even manage to spot which bit they filmed outside my mothers house until 1am. Stopping people from overlooking the set in case the actors had to make eye contact with real people , the totally vain jumped-up cunts, so far in the fucking clouds that they couldn't touch the ground with a rope. Anyone who had anything to do with that shite-awful sack of genital sores should do the honourable thing and alter time so that they drowned in boiling dirty chip oil as a baby. It's not that I didn't enjoy the film; I didn't. It's more the fact that they all made a shitload of money for something that an toddler could have left in a potty. Right, I might as well stop ranting as I am now beginning to run out of metaphors and adjectives, but believe me I could go on for hours about those talentless overpaid arse tampons and that rectal polyp of a so-called film.

Stay tuned next week as I review Pearl Harbour. Lol

Peace out.

Thirteen years

It sounds like the title to a film, but today is a very poignant date. It is an anniversary thirteen years old and it is one that always brings a sentimental tear to my sparkling mischievous eyes. It is hard to believe that it was thirteen years ago, and so much has happened since that day. I've even dug out the all the papers regarding that fateful incident and sat and had a wistful read through them, thinking about all the people involved. Out of them all, I miss WPC 141 Connors, the arresting officer, the most.

Lovely woman with a great sense of humour, and a real barrel of guffaws. She had such a winning smile as she led me off the premises and popped me in the back of the car. Thirteen years have passed me by, but I feel I have learnt so much, and a lot of it was all down to the people I met during the incident and the following six months when I was in and out of first magistrates court then crown court. I ought to mention a few of them, but I am a little hazy on the names and I guess they deserve some privacy. There was of course the victim, who was, unfortunately , naked hairy and fat the first time I met him, which was three in the morning in his bathroom. Coincidentally, this was the place I was arrested too. The second time I met the fellow, he was just as fat, but mercifully clothed, as he throttled me into semi-unconciousness in the local Safeways. At this point special mention should be made of the desk copper who told me it was my own fault for getting attacked despite the fact that I was already paying the price for my crime. Wanker!
The desk sergeant who bailed me despite being of no fixed abode, top bloke. Quick shout out for my mother who generously told said sergeant that she wouldn't vouch for me.
The final person needing a mention, or rather people needing a mention, would be my legal team. The legal secretary used to bump into me all the time whenever I was taking some form of narcotic, which always made our interactions interesting to say the least. But my solicitor and barrister were the real geezers. For those who don't know and are probably looking forward to this little revelation, I was caught having just broken into a bathroom window on the first floor, having made it across a twenty foot gass roof, at three o'clock in the morning, disturbing the owners and got myself arrested in said bathroom, and after all that time in court, my legal lot got me aquitted and all my travel expenses refunded.

All of this thirteen years ago to the day, and I've certainly passed a lot of water since then. At some point maybe I will transcribe the statements on post them somewhere, but in the meantime, I'm glad I had that little warning, which scared me enough to straighten my life out a little, not a lot, but a little.

Incidentally a real quick mention of the fact that WPC 141 Connors tried whacking me with a drug arrest when she found that I had vitamin C tablets and indigestion tablets on me. When she held up a my little bag of Cream of Magnesia tablets and asked me what would happen to her if she took all of them at once, I toldher that she would shit for a week, and she dropped the subject. Good drug prevention!

Peace out dudes.=

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